101 Ways I Was Abused

Alcohol-His alcoholism is a key problem in our relationship.
When he is drinking:
1. he repeatedly says he will sacrifice our marriage, but he will not give up drinking.
2. all communication shuts down even when there are critical and time-sensitive issues to discuss.
3. he shuts me out completely. He is in his own world and I have no way of approaching him.
4. he is very belligerent and pushes all my buttons trying to pick a fight.
5. he verbally abuses me--viciously.
6. he says he drinks because I am too hard to live with or too negative or too anything and then he says his drinking is not about me. Which one do I believe?
7. he feels fine n the morning, while I am still reeling from all his verbal destruction.
8. I never know whether he is late because he ran errands or because he got drunk again. By the time he gets home, I am on edge and defensive and he gets angry “because I’m always so negative.”
9. I find myself holding my breath and studying his face and voice carefully to see if he has been drinking so I know whether to lay low or if we have hopes of having a normal evening.

Financial Manipulations
10. I technically have no control of our finances and my savings are constantly depleted covering expenses when he is out of work.
11. He has stolen money from my accounts — thousands of dollars and then says I’m lying or I don’t know what I am talking about.
12. I never know whether we will have enough money to cover expenses each month. Even though we work out a budget together and he agrees to it, he never sticks to it. We are often short at the end of the month and can’t pay all our bills.
13. He ran up so many debts that we have declared bankruptcy twice and then says it was my fault. He even says he can show me the papers. That’s because he charged things on my credit cards.
14. He tells me he will transfer funds to my account to cover expenses, but doesn’t. If I dare bring it up, we get in a huge fight.
15. When we sold my home to buy our place in the country, we agreed to not spend over $100 at a time without both agreeing to how the money was spent. Several months later, I suggested we start building our barn and was informed that the entire $80,000+ had all been spent.

Emotional Manipulations
16. At one time I had been diagnosed as bi-polar, but found out it was erroneous. I was so excited I could hardly wait to tell him. His response: “You mean I’ve put up with all these years of hell for nothing?”
17. Frequently he tells me that I want to control everything and order him around.
18. I find myself apologizing to people for his behavior when I am treated badly in public or he is out of control — usually from drinking.
19. My self-esteem is battered by him telling me I’m stupid, don’t know what I am talking about, am not smart enough for him to carry on a conversation with me.
20. He ridicules, humiliates, or insults me in private and public and makes me feel unworthy.
21. He ignores my feelings and I am left feeling unloved and doubting I am worth his time.
22. He withholds approval, appreciation, or affection. He no longer has sex with me or even looks at me or touches me, which makes me feel ugly and unworthy. He has never explained why.
23. He gives me the silent treatment which says to me that I am not even worth answering.
24. He tells me I am negative and all I do is complain when I am telling him issues that need to be resolved.
25. He walks away without answering me which says to me that I am not even worth his breath to answer.
26. He laughs scornfully at my suggestions.
27. He compliments me enough to keep me happy, yet criticizes me enough to keep me insecure.
28. He manipulates me with lies and contradictions and then if I try to confront him says I am the one lying.
29. He accuses me of behaviors he is acting out.
30. He says things that make me feel good, but does things that make me feel bad.
31. He makes me feel like I can't win — damned if I do, damned if I don't.
32. He incites me to rage, which he says is "proof" that I am to blame and that I am the one who is abusive.
33. He tries to convince me he is "right," and I am "wrong" even though we both know better.
34. He frequently says things that are later denied and accuses me of lying or being nuts.
35. He criticizes me and undermines my self-esteem, but brags on me to other people—they say.
36. He ridicules me by scoffing at me for expressing myself.
37. He makes me feel like I am wrong, stupid, crazy, or inadequate.
38. I feel that nothing I ever do is good enough for him.
39. He makes me feel as if I’ve done something wrong but I can't figure out what it is.
40. When he wants me to shut up, he uses his hand to mimic talking and puts it right in my face.

Arguments
41. He has unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason, which keeps me in constant emotional turmoil.
42. Numerous times when I have tried to have a normal conversation with him, he accuses me of being angry or yelling at him. Although I know for a fact I am in a good mood and just want to chat and I tell him he is mistaken. He says, “I know better. I can hear it in your voice and see it in your body language.” Then we usually end in a fight over whether I was angry initially or not.
43. He switches the subject to other arguments that have nothing to do with the current topic and are usually directed against something I did or didn’t do.
44. When I try to discuss any serious issues that need to be resolved, he gets angry or worse yet, just gives me a blank stare like I don’t even exist.
45. He "twists" my words, somehow turning what I said against me.
46. He seems to stir up trouble just when we seem to be getting closer to each other.
47. He says I never give him a chance to “defend himself,” but when I tell him I will be silent until he says he is through talking, he goes silent and doesn’t say anything. Then if I start talking again, he says the same thing and I just walk away.
48. Refuses to talk because he is not as “poetic” as I am. (Poetry has nothing to do with it.)
49. When we argue, he does what is called “collects brown stamps.” He not only fights about the current topic, but he brings up topics from the far past that were supposedly resolved a long time ago.
50. He has called me about every name in the book and none of them are nice.
51. Presents a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders and makes me look like the “bad guy.”
52. He complains about how badly I treat him and I usually end up being the one to apologize.
53. He rarely apologizes for anything he does wrong, while I apologize for almost everything — even things I didn’t do, just so he will hush fussing at me.
54. He does not forgive, but holds on to grudges for years and years and does not hesitate to constantly remind me of supposed or real wrong-doings.
55. He asks my opinion on something, and then when I can’t second-guess his already prepared plan, he gets angry and starts an argument.
56. The angrier he gets, the more he clenches and unclenches his fist. I find my eyes glued on his hands wondering just how far it will go this time.
57. When we used to go to his family gatherings, we would have horrible arguments all the way there. Then he would walk into the house cheerful and happy as if absolutely nothing happened. I would be cool, unsure, hurt, on the verge of tears and his family began to blame me for being ugly all the time.

Physical Abuse
58. Once he accidentally (and I do believe it was an accident) fractured my clavicle during a physical fight we were having. All the way to the hospital he griped and complained about how tired he was going to be at work the next day. When he left the next morning, I didn’t see or hear from him again for three days. I had no idea where he was, if or when he was coming back and I couldn’t even take care of myself.
59. I had a breast biopsy done and the next day he got angry with me and was pushing and pulling on the arm on that side. He was pushing me against the wall. He also denies this and says I’m crazy.
60. I have been physically abused by him on more than one occasion when he was drunk and angry. Usually he doesn’t remember it and tells me that I am lying.
61. He minimizes the abuse (physical and verbal) or denies that it occurred. He commonly shifts the responsibility onto me: He has even denied he abused me and said that I attacked him.
62. When there wasn’t any physical abuse, the air would be so full of tension that I could scream. I began wishing he would hit me just to break the tension.

Conversations
63. When he is upset with me and doesn’t want to talk any more, he turns on the TV, goes out on the porch to smoke and/or read a book, or goes to bed and I am totally ignored.
64. He interrupts me constantly and then when I try to finish what I am saying, he says I am interrupting him. This is an effective way to end a conversation that is going badly for him.
65. I hear him talking freely to other people in long conversations. When I ask why he won’t talk to me that way he says because I am too ignorant to waste a conversation on.
66. When I talk, he usually doesn’t even listen. He will ask a question that I just finished answering.
67. I am hard of hearing, yet he constantly breaks all protocols we learned for speaking to someone who is hard of hearing — not facing me, walking away from me as he talks, talks with his mouth full.
68. My hearing is also an effective weapon he wields. When he says something and I ask him to repeat it, he says, “Don’t you have your hearing aids in?” “You just got new batteries for your hearing aids.”
69. No matter how busy I am or what it is that I am doing, if he wants to talk, he calls me and I am supposed to drop everything and come to where he is and even follow him around like a lost puppy while he talks.

Miscellaneous
70. He has lied to me so many times about so many things; I no longer trust anything he says — especially if it is a promise.
71. He rarely accepts responsibility for things he says or does. It is always someone else’s fault or it was my imagination that it ever happened in the first place. He looks at me like I have totally lost my mind.
72. He says he can tell I am upset, even when I’m not.
73. Double standards: Things that he thinks are okay for him to do or say or not do or say are okay. But if I try the same thing, I get yelled at.
74. He does not respect my wishes — Even though I have asked him repeatedly not to smoke in my car when he borrows it, he does anyway and then it smells like stale cigarettes for weeks afterwards.
75. Other than anger, he shows absolutely no emotions at all even when I tell him how much I am hurting or how afraid I am. This makes me feel like he doesn’t care at all and it hurts deeply.
76. I feel like I have to "walk on eggshells" to keep him from getting angry.
77. He constantly tells me to look for things for him when he is fully capable of doing it himself.
78. He treats me more like a secretary than a wife by asking me to write down phone messages, get phone numbers for him (even though he knows where to find them), look up this, look up that. Then he tries to smooth it over by saying I do things so much better than he does. BS!
79. He criticizes me for little things
80. He blames me for his violent outbursts
81. He tells me what to do, and expects me to obey without question. If I don’t do it immediately, then he gets angry and says I don’t think he is important enough or that I just don’t want to help him.
82. He treats me like a servant, or a child, but he tells me that I am a controlling bitch.
83. Our relationship swings back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close. I never know what to expect and don’t understand what causes the change.
84. He rarely comes to give me a hug or kiss; always demands that I come to give him a hug or kiss.
85. When he is upset with me or depressed he cuts off all communication. He won’t read or answer any e-mails and he won’t answer his cell phone.
86. He steals my issues. Things that I have struggled with or fussed about in the past, he suddenly brings them up as being his issues.
87. He keeps our lives and our home in constant chaos even though I have explained to him in detail how emotionally upsetting it is for me. I am a compulsive organizer and having everything in disarray usually results in deep depression for me
88. He denies that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. If I confront him with it he says, “I never said that,” “You don’t know what you are talking about,” “You’re a lying bitch.”
89. When I am feeling particularly down or upset and try to talk to him about it, he (a) looks at me blankly and says nothing, (2) continues reading his book, or (3) watches TV and never responds.

Why I Stay
90. I have the urge to "rescue" him when he is troubled.
91. I long for that softer, more vulnerable part of him to emerge again; the one that used to exist.
92. I sometimes feel trapped in the relationship because of finances. At 63 I am not really inclined to walk out of my home with no money, and no place to live.
93. I hate what he does, but I love him as a person.
94. I hope/believe that he will change back to the person I first met if I just love him enough and show him understanding.
95. Shame and guilt — this is my fourth marriage and I don’t want to fail at yet another relationship.
96. Our interactions frequently follow the abuse cycle — He is very abusive and just when I think I can’t take any more, he starts doing and saying all kinds of nice things to make up. Then I start thinking that maybe things aren’t so bad after all. Also, I don’t want to leave when things are going well.
97. He says he will contest the divorce and I can’t afford to fight him.
98. I feel vulnerable and insecure with him, but even more so without him.
99. I think of how lonely I will be when I am old and need help taking care of myself. I want someone around, even if he hates me.
100. I have an unreasonable fear of being alone.
101. We are upside down on our mortgage so if we could even sell the farm at all, we would probably end up owing money.